As the national debate about eliminating tipping in restaurants reaches a fevered pitch, there are some people who feel the need to stiff their servers in order to prove a point. In other words, because they believe that servers should have a living wage instead of a tipped wage, they think they are doing us a favor by not leaving a tip. That’s all well and good and, although we appreciate your support, you need to keep tipping us until the hourly wage actually changes. Besides, we all know that you probably weren’t planning on tipping much anyway, and by taking the “I believe servers deserve more money per hour” stance, it lets you justify your cheap behavior.
The worst of these people are the ones who leave little business cards after their meal explaining why they didn’t tip. They key word in that sentence is “after.” None of these people have the fucking balls to leave the card before the meal because they know if they did that, most servers would immediately brush them off and never bother to fill a glass of water again. The people who do this are cowards and I bet all of them leave it on the table at the very last minute after they have put their coats on and when the server is in the kitchen unable to see what’s happening. To these people I have this to say:
Yeah, if you truly feel that way about leaving tips, then why don’t you tell us as soon as you sit down? We can then leave the menu with you and when you know what you want to eat you can get up and go find a computer and ring it in yourself. Assuming you rang it in correctly, just head right over to the service bar and wait for your drinks because no one is going to take them to you. Then you will have to wait until you hear someone in the kitchen yell “food up in the window, I need a runner” because that will be your food. Again, no one is going to run it except you. I mean, hey, if you’re not going to tip for service, we aren’t going to give you any, right. Find a tray jack and a tray and then carry all of it to your table- don’t drop it, now, it’s heavy. And if it’s a really busy night, you might have to lift the tray all the way over your head as you make your way through people standing around the bar. After you get your food to the table, ask yourself if everything is okay. If you need salt or freshly ground pepper, you better go find out where it is. And if you need mayonnaise, you might have to go the walk-in to get it because someone else used the last bit and now there is none in the sidestand.
At this point, if you need refills, you will have to walk back to a computer to ring it in and wait again for the drink to be made. When you are done eating, kindly take the dirty dishes to the dish room and then go find yourself a dessert menu. If you see something you like, go back to the computer and ring it in and listen for the expo guy to tell you it’s ready. In the meantime, if you want coffee, you’ll have to go make some because, again., someone else used the last bit and now the pot is empty. Also, you’ll have to go to dry storage and get some filters. Make sure you get yourself some coffee cups, cream, sugar and dessert spoons on the way. If you can’t find any spoons, ask the dishwasher to run some more silver. Go get your dessert and check to see if the coffee is ready. Pour your coffee and enjoy your dessert.
When you’re done eating, take your dishes to the dish room and then pay your check. You won’t have to leave a tip since you did everything yourself, cheap ass. After you’re done paying, simply wipe down your table with a sanitized rag and reset the table for the next customers. Does that seem like a lot of work? It is and if you would be willing to leave a tip, you wouldn’t have to do any of that.
Story courtesy of the Bitchy Waiter.