Hey cheap ass, want free booze? Fucking pay for it!

When a customer orders a cocktail and says something like “can you put less ice in my drink?” they think that is code for “can you put more liquor in my drink?” Here is what it actually means: we are going to put less ice in your drink and you’re still going to get the same amount of liquor. Most restaurants have a preset limit as to how much liquor goes into a drink and the amount isn’t going to change just because the customer asked for a little extra. If you want more alcohol, you need to order a double and pay for it. It happens way too often: a customer gives me a wink of the eye or a sly point of the finger thinking that’s all it will take for me to give them free booze. Not gonna happen so deal with it. If you want to drink a lot of alcohol without spending a lot of money, you need to drive your ass to the liquor store, sit on your couch and drink from the bottle.

Here are some things customers say that think they will get free extra liquor and followed by that is what it will actually get them:

“Make it a little stronger.” (It will be made the exact same way it always is.)
“I couldn’t taste the liquor in my frozen daiquiri last time.” (We will leave the liquor out completely and instead pour it all into the straw so that your first sip is 100% rum.)
“Can you put a little less cranberry juice this time?” (We will put less cranberry juice this time and your glass will no longer be full.)
“The other bartender poured heavier.” (We will ignore this comment.)
“I come in here all the time.” (We will ignore this comment as well because anyone who has to remind us that they come in all the time is probably annoying as fuck.)
“I’m a big guy, so I need a little bit more Jack Daniels.” (You will get the same amount of liquor as always but we won’t offer you a dessert menu.)
“I’ll leave a big tip if you put extra liquor in my drink.” (We won’t believe you because any time someone brags about leaving a big tip, they don’t do it. It’s sorta like the guy who is always saying he has a huge penis when it’s probably the size of a baby carrot.)

As a certified mixologist I’ve dealt with these mooching troglodytes for centuries often making their cocktail freebie request in a smaller sized glass with less ice and same amount of alcohol. If they demand a strong drink I pour them a double and charge for it! They never fuck with me because I’ll shame them in front of their friends or in front of the surrounding patrons. They return always because all alcoholic degenerates have habits!

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